my life is falling apart.

Sometimes, it feels like my life is falling apart. I’m not trying to get attention by saying this because obviously, I’m saying this on a blog that barely anyone knows about, so who’s attention am I trying to get? This is especially after my boyfriend broke up with me. It seems like after he broke up with me, everything just coincidentally started falling apart.

I’m failing computer science, though that was plain to see from the beginning, but I actually started to do worse in the class because I missed a whole week and half of classes due to the breakup.

All I do is argue with my friends, or get annoyed with most of the things they say. I constantly argue with my friends about the stupidest things, things that shouldn’t even come between us. With one of my friends, we argue because I know she’s just worried about me, but I can’t help but see differently from her and it’s hard for me to just accept the things she says sometimes. But all I really want to tell her in the end is that she has no idea how much I appreciate her thoughts and how much she worries about me. Because in the end, there really isn’t anyone but her and a few select others who really listen to my problems and actually care enough about me to worry about them for me. Even though we disagree on a lot of things pertaining to a certain situation, I still take the things she says into account, because she really does matter to me. Also, a lot of my other friends keep asking me why I’m not over my ex-boyfriend, and it just really sucks. It really sucks. It really sucks because they can’t sympathize with how hard it is to get over someone you loved and gave everything you had to. And then there are the friends that I argue with the most, or stress over the most, because it feels like no matter what I do, everything I do for them is taken granted for. It’s like they can’t even see just how much I’m doing for them, and they just keep asking for more and more, and I’m just giving everything away. And even so, in the end, they still manage to find something wrong with what I’m doing for them. I’m giving up so much of my time to help them, and yet, they can’t see that. I use up my time and my mind and body to help them achieve whatever they need to, and they don’t see just how much work I’ve put into helping them.

I’m still “attempting” to get over my ex-boyfriend. For the past few days I’ve been fine – the memories of him haven’t affected me or anything, I haven’t cried because of him, and seeing him doesn’t affect me as much. But I still know that in the back of my mind, I’m not over him at all. He still affects me the way he used to, and I’m still going to cry because of him. It’s just right now, I’m forcing myself to stand up and show that I’m not going to give up. I’m not going to talk too much about this one, just in case I slip back into crying and thinking about him every second of my current life.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Am I really supposed to believe in love? Am I really supposed to believe that life is going to turn out fine, and everything’s going to be okay in the end? Because right now, it seems like that will never happen. That no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just going to get pushed back every step I take. It’s like every step I take to make myself happy, something in my life will push me back two steps, so there is no profit, and there is no gain. There is only loss. Am I ever going to get my life back on track?

It might not seem like to you or whoever is reading this, that any of this is as bad as it sounds. But in fact, it really is. When you’re faced with just one of these, it’s hard to keep up. The impact of any of these, really is just that bad. It’s as though every step I take, every move I make, every breathe I take, every decision I make, will shatter the fragile structure that my life is built on. It’s as if anything and everything I do cause some kind of rupture in my life. I’m just glad, I don’t deal with it like I used to. Earlier this year, I seriously had legit, depression. Any small problem caused me to stress out and break down. That’s all I ever did. And I used to deal with it by hurting myself. I would dig my nails into my hands, I’d punch walls, and I would stab myself with scissors or knives. I would cry and break down, hyperventilate, and then start hurting myself when that wasn’t good enough. But now, I’m a lot better at handling problems. Sure I still cry, and I break down a lot when it comes to dealing with the breakup and moving on, but I don’t hurt myself anymore. And I don’t let the small things get to me, because there are bigger things to deal with of course. I know to wipe my tears off, and stand up on my own two feet, and face my problems like I’m supposed to. Because like my friend told me recently, I’m at the age where I shouldn’t let my emotions rule my actions that strongly. I’m better than that.