first love.

Sometimes, I wonder why my heart feels as though it can’t let go of him sometimes. I know that I got over him, but at the same time, my heart aches for the memories. I know that I’m over him, and that I don’t need him anymore, but at the same time, I wonder sometimes how things could’ve been so much better if I hadn’t messed up, or if things hadn’t ended that way. If we had gotten over the obstacles that we had, and been able to keep on loving each other.

It’s true that I wouldn’t have become the person I am today, because that’s the reason that I’m truly grateful for our breakup. Without our breakup and him leaving me, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today, which is someone a lot more mature and independent than the person I was before. I’m glad that everything happened the way it did.

And yet… at the same time, I feel as though, my heart never wants to let go of him. I feel like my heart really, truly believed that he was the one I was going to spend my whole life with, and that it’ll never open itself up for someone new ever again. I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever fall that hard ever again. I won’t ever let myself love someone as much as I loved him, because there’s no possible way that my heart will allow that to happen. It’s not because it won’t let me get hurt and go through all that suffering again, but just because, it kind of… doesn’t think it’ll ever love someone else that much ever again.

I know I still love him, how can I not? He was my first love, my first everything, and he really was, the one person who genuinely cared, and cares about me completely, and doesn’t want to see me hurt or put myself down the way I did and the way I do now. But I know… that I don’t love him in that way anymore. I love him because he’s my ex-boyfriend, because he’s my friend, not because he’s the one who I believe is my one and only love.

Your first love is truly something special.