fuck my life.
i live my life, every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life, getting pushed around and being used by the people around me. i get taken advantage of so fucking easily that it's not even fucking funny. i can't stand how people take my trust and gratuity for granted, knowing that i'll probably do just about anything for them because i feel bad, or because i'm too nice, or just because i don't even fucking realize that i'm being used.
why is it that, i feel like i can't trust anyone anymore? why is it, that the people around me disappoint me this much when i realize just how much i'm being used? i really don't know, what to think of my friends anymore. i'm so grateful for them being there for me during the times when i need them most, but if they're only there because i can pay for them, or give them answers, or whatever, then fuck that.
i don't want that.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
i don't know what to do.
he's my ex-boyfriend. he's also my best friend and the one person who knows me best. i feel bad, guilty, dirty - i shouldn't. i'm the one who's pushing him away, and telling him to stop. however, i know i should be more assertive, direct, and a lot harsher when telling him to stop. but i can't. that's because i don't want to lose him as a best friend, i don't want to lose the one person who knows me best.
i want him to stop - i don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore, i don't think about him in that way anymore. he's my best friend AND ex-boyfriend, but that's it - nothing more. i don't WANT him that way anymore. i want him to stop. but i can't tell him direct enough because i'm scared to lose him and our relationship, and his presence when i'm down or when i have problems, or just when we're having fun. nor do i want to tell his girlfriend - that would completely ruin their relationship, and i don't want that to happen. i know how much they mean to each other, they care about each other SO much. so much, that it would be painful for them to break up because of a simple thing like this.
he's not being unfaithful to her in his feelings or emotions, just... in the physical sense i guess. and i'm refusing to have sex with him, even though, i know that was probably his goal today. i refused everything... EVERYTHING. i pushed him away, but he just kept pushing back - i kept everything light and in a joking matter, but i know if he really pushes too hard - i have to tell him straight up. and that's... what i'm scared of doing. that's what i know, will damage our friendship forever.
i'm just gonna have to keep pushing him away, gonna have to tell him no. i don't want that kind of relationship with him.
i want him to stop - i don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore, i don't think about him in that way anymore. he's my best friend AND ex-boyfriend, but that's it - nothing more. i don't WANT him that way anymore. i want him to stop. but i can't tell him direct enough because i'm scared to lose him and our relationship, and his presence when i'm down or when i have problems, or just when we're having fun. nor do i want to tell his girlfriend - that would completely ruin their relationship, and i don't want that to happen. i know how much they mean to each other, they care about each other SO much. so much, that it would be painful for them to break up because of a simple thing like this.
he's not being unfaithful to her in his feelings or emotions, just... in the physical sense i guess. and i'm refusing to have sex with him, even though, i know that was probably his goal today. i refused everything... EVERYTHING. i pushed him away, but he just kept pushing back - i kept everything light and in a joking matter, but i know if he really pushes too hard - i have to tell him straight up. and that's... what i'm scared of doing. that's what i know, will damage our friendship forever.
i'm just gonna have to keep pushing him away, gonna have to tell him no. i don't want that kind of relationship with him.
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