fuck my life.

fuck my life.

i live my life, every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life, getting pushed around and being used by the people around me. i get taken advantage of so fucking easily that it's not even fucking funny. i can't stand how people take my trust and gratuity for granted, knowing that i'll probably do just about anything for them because i feel bad, or because i'm too nice, or just because i don't even fucking realize that i'm being used.

why is it that, i feel like i can't trust anyone anymore? why is it, that the people around me disappoint me this much when i realize just how much i'm being used? i really don't know, what to think of my friends anymore. i'm so grateful for them being there for me during the times when i need them most, but if they're only there because i can pay for them, or give them answers, or whatever, then fuck that.

i don't want that.

i don't know what to do.

he's my ex-boyfriend. he's also my best friend and the one person who knows me best. i feel bad, guilty, dirty - i shouldn't. i'm the one who's pushing him away, and telling him to stop. however, i know i should be more assertive, direct, and a lot harsher when telling him to stop. but i can't. that's because i don't want to lose him as a best friend, i don't want to lose the one person who knows me best.

i want him to stop - i don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore, i don't think about him in that way anymore. he's my best friend AND ex-boyfriend, but that's it - nothing more. i don't WANT him that way anymore. i want him to stop. but i can't tell him direct enough because i'm scared to lose him and our relationship, and his presence when i'm down or when i have problems, or just when we're having fun. nor do i want to tell his girlfriend - that would completely ruin their relationship, and i don't want that to happen. i know how much they mean to each other, they care about each other SO much. so much, that it would be painful for them to break up because of a simple thing like this.

he's not being unfaithful to her in his feelings or emotions, just... in the physical sense i guess. and i'm refusing to have sex with him, even though, i know that was probably his goal today. i refused everything... EVERYTHING. i pushed him away, but he just kept pushing back - i kept everything light and in a joking matter, but i know if he really pushes too hard - i have to tell him straight up. and that's... what i'm scared of doing. that's what i know, will damage our friendship forever.

i'm just gonna have to keep pushing him away, gonna have to tell him no. i don't want that kind of relationship with him.

first love.

Sometimes, I wonder why my heart feels as though it can’t let go of him sometimes. I know that I got over him, but at the same time, my heart aches for the memories. I know that I’m over him, and that I don’t need him anymore, but at the same time, I wonder sometimes how things could’ve been so much better if I hadn’t messed up, or if things hadn’t ended that way. If we had gotten over the obstacles that we had, and been able to keep on loving each other.

It’s true that I wouldn’t have become the person I am today, because that’s the reason that I’m truly grateful for our breakup. Without our breakup and him leaving me, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today, which is someone a lot more mature and independent than the person I was before. I’m glad that everything happened the way it did.

And yet… at the same time, I feel as though, my heart never wants to let go of him. I feel like my heart really, truly believed that he was the one I was going to spend my whole life with, and that it’ll never open itself up for someone new ever again. I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever fall that hard ever again. I won’t ever let myself love someone as much as I loved him, because there’s no possible way that my heart will allow that to happen. It’s not because it won’t let me get hurt and go through all that suffering again, but just because, it kind of… doesn’t think it’ll ever love someone else that much ever again.

I know I still love him, how can I not? He was my first love, my first everything, and he really was, the one person who genuinely cared, and cares about me completely, and doesn’t want to see me hurt or put myself down the way I did and the way I do now. But I know… that I don’t love him in that way anymore. I love him because he’s my ex-boyfriend, because he’s my friend, not because he’s the one who I believe is my one and only love.

Your first love is truly something special.

you.

You know, there are a lot of times when I want to talk to you guys about something, but I hesitate, and then I end up completely backing out of it. I’m so scared to ask you guys for advice anymore, because every time I go to you with a problem, it seems as though you don’t want to listen to it, or you’re tired of hearing me rant. I guess in that sense, it is my fault, because I rant a lot sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, and I’ll keep going. But right now, I really want to talk to you guys because I need someone to be there for me, especially when I’m feeling this low. I feel as though… I’m a bother, an inconvenience, a problem, an annoyance, and everything along those lines.

You tell me all the time, that I know who to listen to, and I know who and what I am, and that I’m stressing about every single thing. You tell me all the time that I’m worrying about the stupidest things, and I stress myself out over everything. But seriously, you have no idea how bad it is right now. Right now, I feel so goddamn low about myself. I feel as though I’m the lowest, stupidest, worst person in the world. Hearing all the comments about me, and I know what people think about me – that I’m just some stupid, ditzy, clueless airhead, it’s really pushing me. I’m starting to think that I’m really that stupid, and it’s getting really hard to pick myself up every single time. Like I keep saying, it’s getting a lot harder to feel good about myself. I really don’t know how to look at myself sometimes anymore. I can’t see anything other than this horrible, selfish, self-centered, unreasonable, stupid person inside and outside of me. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with all of this.

You really don’t know how hard life is for me right now. Sure I’m not cutting or anything, but that’s because I don’t want to stoop down to that level anymore. I know I’m stronger than that. I know I learned a lot, and I know I’m better than that, at least by a little. But how much better am I now? I’m still pathetic, and weak as hell, because I’m so close to breaking down completely. I’m trying to keep my head up, and I’m trying to always have a good face on. I know its working because nobody’s asked or hinted at anything, so I’m good for now. But how much longer can I hold on?

what am i to you?

You remember that guy I posted about back in November ish? The one that I met at a club in New York City? Well, we’re dating now. And after the past 2 or 3 months of getting to know him, I’ve found him to be a little bit more frustrating than I thought he would be. First of all, he doesn’t know how to fucking treat me like a girlfriend sometimes. When I get hurt, when I’m sick, when I’m tired… all he can come up with is “Damn you’re beasting”? What the fuck. Like, can you care a little about me at least? I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but goddamnit, I’m your fucking girlfriend. Don’t you have feelings for me? Don’t you fucking care about me? Don’t you care if I’m tired, hurt, or sick? Doesn’t that matter to you at all?

And second of all, you can’t deal with me sometimes, huh? When I ask too many questions about a word, you fucking flip out on me? So what if I fucking forgot? You couldn’t just bother to tell me again, and you had to flip out and refuse to tell me? Go fuck yourself. Can’t you just deal with me… at least a little? Am I that annoying? That selfish? That stupid? I guess how you see me, is how everyone else sees me. I’m fun to be around, but once you get too close to me, I get annoying, and you don’t want to hear about my problems or deal with my absent-mindedness or forgetfulness. What AM I to you?

Third of all… what the fuck is with all the mood swings you have? One minute, you’re saying “I miss you” “Babe” and all that shit, and the next… fuck you don’t even want to text me. You don’t want to be bothered with what I have to say, and you can’t deal with me as your girlfriend. I know you’re under stress from work and working out and family and whatever, but shit, you have to chill out sometimes. I can deal with your mood swings most of the time, but sometimes, I just can’t figure out if you really like me or you’re using me as some kind of THING to pass your time. I’m not your fucking plaything, I have fucking feelings, and I WILL leave if you don’t start treating me with some respect.

Seriously… what am I to you? You barely treat me like your girlfriend – you don’t care about me, you give me a billion mood swings to deal with, and you can’t deal with me sometimes.

Am I asking for too much here? I probably am… I always am. I’m too fucking selfish probably to see anything outside my own life. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what to think anymore.

you know what i hate?

i hate it, when people think i’m a total ditz. when my groups of friends just keep making fun of me, because it seems like i’m an airhead, and i’m never thinking with my brain most of the time. they think i’m some stupid bitch, who never has any opinions or “smart” and “intelligent” thoughts, that i only know how to play and have fun, and laugh uncontrollably. like my life is so fucking simple, because i don’t have a fucking care in the world. i mean… sure i may be pretty clueless, naive, or sometimes ditzy, but still. i’m not a fucking ditz or an airhead. i HAVE a brain, i HAVE a mind, i HAVE opinions, and i am NOT afraid to speak them out loud.

i hate it, when people think i’m not mature, because i don’t have a job, i don’t pay taxes, and i don’t have my driver’s license yet. your maturity, isn’t fucking based on those material things. it’s based on your state of mind, and the thoughts, ideas, opinions that you hold on certain issues, or life in general. just because i don’t have a job, i don’t pay taxes, i don’t have my driver’s license, doesn’t mean i’m not allowed to speak my mind, and i can’t give my point of view on issues. it doesn’t mean, my opinion doesn’t matter, and what i think isn’t important.

fuck fuck fuck. behind this goddamn face and those clueless utterances of “Huh?” that i make sometimes, and the absent-minded daze that i enter sometimes, i have a fucking brain. i have a fucking point of view. i have fucking opinions. i might be afraid to speak them sometimes, but that doesn’t mean, that i don’t have any at all. so back. the. fuck. off.

i hate it, when you think you’re close to someone. but then slowly, gradually, after a while, you realize just how distant you were from them. you thought you were important to them, and that you really mattered to them, and they actually cared about you, but in the end… it was all in your head. you made it all up, and they really don’t give a shit about you. they don’t give a fuck if you’re okay or not, if you’re actually there for them or not. you don’t matter in their goddamn life, and if you cry about it and break down… well, they’re certainly not going to be the ones comforting you about it, and patting you on the back. and you know what, that’s what hurts the most. that you thought they were there for you, and they had your back, but in the end, you were just assuming, and jumping ahead of yourself. hah.

last of all…

i hate it, when i get mad at things. i feel as though, every time i get mad, it’s because of something unnecessary, and i’m doing something horrible. because every time i get mad, i feel so goddamn selfish and self-centered, like i’m not thinking about anything or anybody other than myself. who am i, to get mad at them or whatever? where do i get that right? i really don’t know.

sometimes...

sometimes...

…i wish i wasn’t so unimportant and invisible. i wish that people actually remembered me when they call people up to hang out, and they actually remembered that i exist. it feels like i’m so unimportant in other people’s lives, because it seems as though everytime people decide to hang out or go somewhere, i’m always missing from their plans or list of people to call up. that’s it. i’m always missing to them. it’s amazing how insignificant i seem to other people sometimes.

…it sucks how when you always make the effort to care about other people’s problems and listen to what’s wrong with their lives, you never get anything in return. i mean, most of the times, you really shouldn’t expect anything in return for your own kindness, except the satisfaction and knowledge of knowing you did something right, but still. sometimes, it’d just be nice if some of the friends i have will actually listen to my problems, and at least attempt to cheer me up or give me advice. no matter if it’s crappy advice or whatever, at least it’s something. like, i really don’t know. i just wish sometimes, the people that i really want to listen and care about me, actually do listen and care.

…i wish i wasn’t so selfish, unreasonable, and stupid. that’s what it all comes down to in the end. i’m most likely, probably, just being selfish, unreasonable, and stupid about everything i just complained about. the first one, i shouldn’t be so selfish and self-centered. maybe, i really am not that important in other people’s eyes. i have to accept that, because i’m not the only person on this planet you know? there’s people out there with worse problems, and the least of THEIR troubles is being important in other people’s eyes. they’re out there trying to survive, and here i am, complaining about stupid shit like this. the second one… i’m really just being selfish, unreasonable, and stupid because why should i expect anything in return? you do kindness out of the goodness in your heart, and if that means other people won’t give you anything in return, then deal with it. not everyone’s going to be there to listen to your problems and care about your life. that’s how life works, and shit fucking happens.

i really don’t know. i don’t know how to look at myself sometimes. i see myself as a horrible, selfish, unreasonable, stupid, self-centered person most of the times. i can’t help it. i just don’t think anything i do or think is good. hah.

sometimes… i wish life was a lot simpler. and it wasn’t this hard to get through sometimes. i mean, life has gotten a lot better in the past several months, especially after the breakup, but like… sometimes… i just wish, it was going a lot better, and i can get better at picking myself up.

i need to learn how to live by myself, and not rely on others, because frankly, that’s a stupid thought. that other people will always be there for you, to be your happiness, and to be your comfort and joy. i have to learn to be more independent, and more in control of my own life and happiness.