So yeah… I haven’t posted on this blogspot in a while haha. Not since what, more than a week ago? That’s probably because things have changed a lot since last week. It’s amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time, right? Well last Thursday, the day after my most recent post, I had a really long talk with my ex-boyfriend. I basically let out all my feelings and everything that was happening with me, and everything that I had been hiding from him. I told him how upset I was by the breakup, and how amazingly hard it was for me to get over him. And he told me what was happening in his life, and how his best friend was mad at him for our breakup. And we both just cried a lot, and everything got settled in the end. And after that day, I realized how much clearer and better life looks now. Like, sure sometimes, I feel as though I’m still drifting through my life just waiting for something to happen, but now, the breakup isn’t there anymore. It’s not in the back of my mind, and it’s not all I think about every day. I think I finally realized that I needed to get over this guy, and like, even though we can never go back to those memories anymore, it’s really okay. Because in reality, he was just one guy. He wasn’t THE one guy for me. Sure I loved him and everything, and it really hurt to let go like that, but really, there’s a lot of guys out there that are better for me. That will treat me better, and will be what I deserve. I’m not saying he didn’t treat me well, he really did. But it probably wasn’t the way I wanted to be treated – we weren’t a perfect match for each other. We were a good match, but not the perfect match.
So now, after that Thursday, the next day, I actually met a guy. I went to New York City for my friend’s birthday, and she invited some of her friends from Middlesex County College, and I met this one guy, and he was really nice and sweet. But now, I’m totally and utterly confused about what’s going on. From last Friday to this Thursday, he asked me for my AIM screen name and cell phone number, and I contacted consistently. But yesterday, I asked him to go to this event with me, and he went there after his class ended to meet up with me. And during the event, I really wanted to hold his hand, but I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or anything. But looking back on that, I really should’ve held his hand, because it was a chance I missed out on. But that night later on, after we both went back to our homes, we were still texting each other. And I ended up telling him last night that I really wanted to hold his hand, and that I kind of liked him. And in the end he just replied with a “You think too much lol. Lets just call it a night. Okay cutie? Haha.” And now, I’m so confused with whether he likes me back or not. I really want to ask him, but I’m kind of scared that I’m just going to be pushing him away, and he’s going to get annoyed and bothered by me. Plus, I’m kind of tired of making the first move always. I really want him to make the first move. What am I supposed to do now? I’m so confused… and I keep thinking that he doesn’t like me. I’ve been (ultimately) rejected by every guy I have liked, so I’m probably going to screw this one up too. I really don’t know. Today, he didn’t bring it up at all, so I don’t know what to think. What does he want me to do? Oh my god.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
fuck off.
It really feels like he’s just trying to push me farther and farther away. Is it really because he thinks it’s for my own good? Or is he just throwing me away like an old toy because he’s done with me, and he’s already used me enough? What was I really to him? I really thought of him as a good friend before, during, and after – right now. But seriously, how much more are you going to push me away? I don’t mind not seeing you, I think that’s better for me too, but when you talk to me… it just feels so cold and insincere. Like you don’t give a damn about me, and we did NOT spend 10 months of our lives in love or supposedly in love. Every time I talk to you now, it’s like you don’t care about me, and you’re judging everything I say to you. What the fuck am I to you now? Definitely not the best friends we agreed we were going to be. If you keep doing this, I’m just going to give up on you, and keep what dignity and pride I have left of me. Because you’re seriously not worth all this trouble, especially because you dumped my ass in September.
And yet at the same time, why do you have to interfere in my life, and judge every single one of my actions? When I ask you to pay my money back, you call me greedy and absorbed with money. Seriously, that’s none of your business. How I treat and handle money is my own decision to make and don’t you dare think you can call me greedy like that. Especially not after I spent fucking $240 on your Christmas present, another $100 on a random present which was the backpack I gave you, and $100+ on your fucking birthday present. So, how is that being greedy with my money? I gave up more than half what I earned with my job with you, and you dare to call me greedy after our relationship, just because I’m not willing to spend any of my money on you now? Like seriously, how DARE you? You have no right to talk to me in that way and insult me like that. Don’t fucking think you can say anything you want about me just because you used to be my boyfriend. Notice that word there? “Used.” That means you’re my ex-boyfriend which means you have no right. And if I really choose to go to a club in NYC to help Kelly celebrate her birthday because we spent her birthday weekend celebrating Derek’s, that’s my decision. You say “There goes your money”, well, okay. There goes my money. Don’t say that with that kind of tone, because that’s my choice, and if you have a problem with that. Fuck you. Don’t think I’m going around, clubbing and partying and shit, because I’m not. I spend most of my nights thinking and crying about you and our relationship. So much better than clubbing and partying right? And also, don’t think that I’m fucking slacking in my work. You have no right there either. Do you know why I missed fucking one and a half week of classes? Because that whole time, I spent crying over you and our breakup, and there was no way I could’ve gone to class in the condition I was in. You have no right to talk about my schoolwork and grades like that, especially since you fucking caused it. Don’t tell me “Do work”, because I already know that. You don’t need to remind me, and don’t tell me it like you’re talking down to me. Yes you’re doing better in school than me and probably getting better grades than me, but fuck, that’s because you had someone to help you move on after you broke up with me. And shit, I’m trying my hardest here. The only class I’m failing is computer science and that’s because I don’t fucking get that shit. All my other classes are fine, so fuck the hell off.
Don’t try to keep pushing me away completely, thinking you’re doing what’s best for me, because you’re going to lose a pretty damn good friend like that, and stop trying to interfere in my life and judging every fucking move I make.
And yet at the same time, why do you have to interfere in my life, and judge every single one of my actions? When I ask you to pay my money back, you call me greedy and absorbed with money. Seriously, that’s none of your business. How I treat and handle money is my own decision to make and don’t you dare think you can call me greedy like that. Especially not after I spent fucking $240 on your Christmas present, another $100 on a random present which was the backpack I gave you, and $100+ on your fucking birthday present. So, how is that being greedy with my money? I gave up more than half what I earned with my job with you, and you dare to call me greedy after our relationship, just because I’m not willing to spend any of my money on you now? Like seriously, how DARE you? You have no right to talk to me in that way and insult me like that. Don’t fucking think you can say anything you want about me just because you used to be my boyfriend. Notice that word there? “Used.” That means you’re my ex-boyfriend which means you have no right. And if I really choose to go to a club in NYC to help Kelly celebrate her birthday because we spent her birthday weekend celebrating Derek’s, that’s my decision. You say “There goes your money”, well, okay. There goes my money. Don’t say that with that kind of tone, because that’s my choice, and if you have a problem with that. Fuck you. Don’t think I’m going around, clubbing and partying and shit, because I’m not. I spend most of my nights thinking and crying about you and our relationship. So much better than clubbing and partying right? And also, don’t think that I’m fucking slacking in my work. You have no right there either. Do you know why I missed fucking one and a half week of classes? Because that whole time, I spent crying over you and our breakup, and there was no way I could’ve gone to class in the condition I was in. You have no right to talk about my schoolwork and grades like that, especially since you fucking caused it. Don’t tell me “Do work”, because I already know that. You don’t need to remind me, and don’t tell me it like you’re talking down to me. Yes you’re doing better in school than me and probably getting better grades than me, but fuck, that’s because you had someone to help you move on after you broke up with me. And shit, I’m trying my hardest here. The only class I’m failing is computer science and that’s because I don’t fucking get that shit. All my other classes are fine, so fuck the hell off.
Don’t try to keep pushing me away completely, thinking you’re doing what’s best for me, because you’re going to lose a pretty damn good friend like that, and stop trying to interfere in my life and judging every fucking move I make.
i don't know.
I’m going to stop letting myself get hurt so easily. The way I see it, I let the things that people say to me get to me too easily. I cry when my friends insult me, I break down when I hear things about my ex-boyfriend, and I die, when I hear that my friends are talking about me behind my back. The fact is, throughout my life, I’m going to have things not go my way. And I need to be able to deal with that, and not let other people get to me so easily. I guess it’s probably because I give others my trust easily, and I believe with all my heart, that they’d never hurt me or leave me. But when it happens, it just hurts like a motherfucker.
It feels like my true friends are slowly disappearing one by one. Everyone’s changing, and it’s only me who’s expecting things to stay the same. I can’t go to the same people to talk about problems anymore, because they’re different now (or it’s because one of them is my ex-boyfriend). I only have a few select friends that I can talk to about problems and shit happening in my life, and I thank God that I have them. I’m legit, so grateful that they’re in my life. Because otherwise, how else would I be able to live? Who else would be there to support me when I just completely break down and can’t stand up by myself any longer? I’m really grateful to have them in my life. But at the same time, it just really sucks that a lot of the people I used to be able to talk to, I can’t. Things are so different now. It’s amazing how things change so much in the span of one to two months. Everyone keeps saying that each other are changing, but the way I see it, everyone’s changing. No one’s the same as they were back then, and the mix of friends that used to blend and work out perfectly, aren’t really mixing so well anymore. It might be changes for the better or for the worse, but thing is, we aren’t working so well together anymore. We argue and fight, and we talk about each other behind their backs, and most important of all, it’s hard for us to look past those flaws that we were once able to ignore. It might be because they’re amplified a lot more now due to the changes in personality and whatnot, but it’s really… sad. I don’t know how else to say it, but yeah. Isn’t being friends all about being able to look past the flaws that we all have, and just accept them for who they are? Unless the flaws can’t be justified, and we’d be doing them a favor by trying to change them or talking to them about it. But I don’t know, things are just different now.
Right now, I don’t know what to think of my life. I don’t know if it’s a good life or a bad life that I’m living right now, I just know that a lot of the times; it feels like my life is falling apart at the seams. It’s amazing how one thing can ruin your whole life. I guess it’s because I saw him as the one thing in my life that always made sense, and was always clear to me. He was the one thing that never doubted me or tried to hurt me intentionally. I could always fall back on him whenever I got hurt, and he’d pick up my pieces one by one. But fact is, I really don’t know what to think of my life right now. I’m just living it, hoping to God, that everything will get better eventually.
It feels like my true friends are slowly disappearing one by one. Everyone’s changing, and it’s only me who’s expecting things to stay the same. I can’t go to the same people to talk about problems anymore, because they’re different now (or it’s because one of them is my ex-boyfriend). I only have a few select friends that I can talk to about problems and shit happening in my life, and I thank God that I have them. I’m legit, so grateful that they’re in my life. Because otherwise, how else would I be able to live? Who else would be there to support me when I just completely break down and can’t stand up by myself any longer? I’m really grateful to have them in my life. But at the same time, it just really sucks that a lot of the people I used to be able to talk to, I can’t. Things are so different now. It’s amazing how things change so much in the span of one to two months. Everyone keeps saying that each other are changing, but the way I see it, everyone’s changing. No one’s the same as they were back then, and the mix of friends that used to blend and work out perfectly, aren’t really mixing so well anymore. It might be changes for the better or for the worse, but thing is, we aren’t working so well together anymore. We argue and fight, and we talk about each other behind their backs, and most important of all, it’s hard for us to look past those flaws that we were once able to ignore. It might be because they’re amplified a lot more now due to the changes in personality and whatnot, but it’s really… sad. I don’t know how else to say it, but yeah. Isn’t being friends all about being able to look past the flaws that we all have, and just accept them for who they are? Unless the flaws can’t be justified, and we’d be doing them a favor by trying to change them or talking to them about it. But I don’t know, things are just different now.
Right now, I don’t know what to think of my life. I don’t know if it’s a good life or a bad life that I’m living right now, I just know that a lot of the times; it feels like my life is falling apart at the seams. It’s amazing how one thing can ruin your whole life. I guess it’s because I saw him as the one thing in my life that always made sense, and was always clear to me. He was the one thing that never doubted me or tried to hurt me intentionally. I could always fall back on him whenever I got hurt, and he’d pick up my pieces one by one. But fact is, I really don’t know what to think of my life right now. I’m just living it, hoping to God, that everything will get better eventually.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
don't think you can decide what's best for me.
Okay, this is going to be a pretty normal blog post today. No philosophic shit or wondering about life shit, none of that. I’m just blogging today to blow some steam off because I just realized something that pissed me off. Every Tuesday and Thursday, my ex-boyfriend has to come to Rutgers for dance practice, because he’s on one of the Rutgers dance teams. And usually, he texts or calls me ahead of time to tell me what time he’s coming and if he’s even coming at all. But today, he didn’t do that. And I was like okay, maybe something came up I don’t really care, and I was planning on texting him after 8:30 PM to make sure if he was coming or not. But I just went on Facebook, and I saw one of our friend’s Facebook status posts who’s also on the dance team and in Rutgers. I then realized, he’s already at Rutgers, and he didn’t even tell me. I know for a fact, he’s probably trying to distance himself from me, because he’s probably heard from all our fucking friends that I need distance or some shit. So much for keeping secrets and not telling others what we talk about. He’s been attempting to distance himself from me for a while, and like, it’s really stupid. I hate it. If I’m gonna distance myself from someone, I’ll do it myself. I don’t want you doing it for me because you pity me or some shit like that. Don’t assume you know what’s going on inside of my head, asshole. It just really fucking pissed me off, that he went ahead and did that without even telling me what’s going on. Because by doing that, he’s getting closer and closer to losing a pretty damn good friend of his – me. I’m not gonna take this shit anymore, not fucking at all. Fuck whoever thinks that they can assume that they know what is going on inside of my head, and fuck whoever thinks that they can decide what’s best for me.
Holy fucking shit, this is really pissing me off. I hate it, I really hate it, when other people think they know what’s best for me and try to decide my life for me. I’ll fucking decide how I’m gonna get over you, and if I want to distance myself from you, I’ll do it myself.
Holy fucking shit, this is really pissing me off. I hate it, I really hate it, when other people think they know what’s best for me and try to decide my life for me. I’ll fucking decide how I’m gonna get over you, and if I want to distance myself from you, I’ll do it myself.
my life is falling apart.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is falling apart. I’m not trying to get attention by saying this because obviously, I’m saying this on a blog that barely anyone knows about, so who’s attention am I trying to get? This is especially after my boyfriend broke up with me. It seems like after he broke up with me, everything just coincidentally started falling apart.
I’m failing computer science, though that was plain to see from the beginning, but I actually started to do worse in the class because I missed a whole week and half of classes due to the breakup.
All I do is argue with my friends, or get annoyed with most of the things they say. I constantly argue with my friends about the stupidest things, things that shouldn’t even come between us. With one of my friends, we argue because I know she’s just worried about me, but I can’t help but see differently from her and it’s hard for me to just accept the things she says sometimes. But all I really want to tell her in the end is that she has no idea how much I appreciate her thoughts and how much she worries about me. Because in the end, there really isn’t anyone but her and a few select others who really listen to my problems and actually care enough about me to worry about them for me. Even though we disagree on a lot of things pertaining to a certain situation, I still take the things she says into account, because she really does matter to me. Also, a lot of my other friends keep asking me why I’m not over my ex-boyfriend, and it just really sucks. It really sucks. It really sucks because they can’t sympathize with how hard it is to get over someone you loved and gave everything you had to. And then there are the friends that I argue with the most, or stress over the most, because it feels like no matter what I do, everything I do for them is taken granted for. It’s like they can’t even see just how much I’m doing for them, and they just keep asking for more and more, and I’m just giving everything away. And even so, in the end, they still manage to find something wrong with what I’m doing for them. I’m giving up so much of my time to help them, and yet, they can’t see that. I use up my time and my mind and body to help them achieve whatever they need to, and they don’t see just how much work I’ve put into helping them.
I’m still “attempting” to get over my ex-boyfriend. For the past few days I’ve been fine – the memories of him haven’t affected me or anything, I haven’t cried because of him, and seeing him doesn’t affect me as much. But I still know that in the back of my mind, I’m not over him at all. He still affects me the way he used to, and I’m still going to cry because of him. It’s just right now, I’m forcing myself to stand up and show that I’m not going to give up. I’m not going to talk too much about this one, just in case I slip back into crying and thinking about him every second of my current life.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Am I really supposed to believe in love? Am I really supposed to believe that life is going to turn out fine, and everything’s going to be okay in the end? Because right now, it seems like that will never happen. That no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just going to get pushed back every step I take. It’s like every step I take to make myself happy, something in my life will push me back two steps, so there is no profit, and there is no gain. There is only loss. Am I ever going to get my life back on track?
It might not seem like to you or whoever is reading this, that any of this is as bad as it sounds. But in fact, it really is. When you’re faced with just one of these, it’s hard to keep up. The impact of any of these, really is just that bad. It’s as though every step I take, every move I make, every breathe I take, every decision I make, will shatter the fragile structure that my life is built on. It’s as if anything and everything I do cause some kind of rupture in my life. I’m just glad, I don’t deal with it like I used to. Earlier this year, I seriously had legit, depression. Any small problem caused me to stress out and break down. That’s all I ever did. And I used to deal with it by hurting myself. I would dig my nails into my hands, I’d punch walls, and I would stab myself with scissors or knives. I would cry and break down, hyperventilate, and then start hurting myself when that wasn’t good enough. But now, I’m a lot better at handling problems. Sure I still cry, and I break down a lot when it comes to dealing with the breakup and moving on, but I don’t hurt myself anymore. And I don’t let the small things get to me, because there are bigger things to deal with of course. I know to wipe my tears off, and stand up on my own two feet, and face my problems like I’m supposed to. Because like my friend told me recently, I’m at the age where I shouldn’t let my emotions rule my actions that strongly. I’m better than that.
I’m failing computer science, though that was plain to see from the beginning, but I actually started to do worse in the class because I missed a whole week and half of classes due to the breakup.
All I do is argue with my friends, or get annoyed with most of the things they say. I constantly argue with my friends about the stupidest things, things that shouldn’t even come between us. With one of my friends, we argue because I know she’s just worried about me, but I can’t help but see differently from her and it’s hard for me to just accept the things she says sometimes. But all I really want to tell her in the end is that she has no idea how much I appreciate her thoughts and how much she worries about me. Because in the end, there really isn’t anyone but her and a few select others who really listen to my problems and actually care enough about me to worry about them for me. Even though we disagree on a lot of things pertaining to a certain situation, I still take the things she says into account, because she really does matter to me. Also, a lot of my other friends keep asking me why I’m not over my ex-boyfriend, and it just really sucks. It really sucks. It really sucks because they can’t sympathize with how hard it is to get over someone you loved and gave everything you had to. And then there are the friends that I argue with the most, or stress over the most, because it feels like no matter what I do, everything I do for them is taken granted for. It’s like they can’t even see just how much I’m doing for them, and they just keep asking for more and more, and I’m just giving everything away. And even so, in the end, they still manage to find something wrong with what I’m doing for them. I’m giving up so much of my time to help them, and yet, they can’t see that. I use up my time and my mind and body to help them achieve whatever they need to, and they don’t see just how much work I’ve put into helping them.
I’m still “attempting” to get over my ex-boyfriend. For the past few days I’ve been fine – the memories of him haven’t affected me or anything, I haven’t cried because of him, and seeing him doesn’t affect me as much. But I still know that in the back of my mind, I’m not over him at all. He still affects me the way he used to, and I’m still going to cry because of him. It’s just right now, I’m forcing myself to stand up and show that I’m not going to give up. I’m not going to talk too much about this one, just in case I slip back into crying and thinking about him every second of my current life.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Am I really supposed to believe in love? Am I really supposed to believe that life is going to turn out fine, and everything’s going to be okay in the end? Because right now, it seems like that will never happen. That no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just going to get pushed back every step I take. It’s like every step I take to make myself happy, something in my life will push me back two steps, so there is no profit, and there is no gain. There is only loss. Am I ever going to get my life back on track?
It might not seem like to you or whoever is reading this, that any of this is as bad as it sounds. But in fact, it really is. When you’re faced with just one of these, it’s hard to keep up. The impact of any of these, really is just that bad. It’s as though every step I take, every move I make, every breathe I take, every decision I make, will shatter the fragile structure that my life is built on. It’s as if anything and everything I do cause some kind of rupture in my life. I’m just glad, I don’t deal with it like I used to. Earlier this year, I seriously had legit, depression. Any small problem caused me to stress out and break down. That’s all I ever did. And I used to deal with it by hurting myself. I would dig my nails into my hands, I’d punch walls, and I would stab myself with scissors or knives. I would cry and break down, hyperventilate, and then start hurting myself when that wasn’t good enough. But now, I’m a lot better at handling problems. Sure I still cry, and I break down a lot when it comes to dealing with the breakup and moving on, but I don’t hurt myself anymore. And I don’t let the small things get to me, because there are bigger things to deal with of course. I know to wipe my tears off, and stand up on my own two feet, and face my problems like I’m supposed to. Because like my friend told me recently, I’m at the age where I shouldn’t let my emotions rule my actions that strongly. I’m better than that.
Monday, October 26, 2009
broken hearts.
It seems like there’s been a lot of broken hearts lately. One of them is mine included. My friend fell for this one girl over the summer, and was completely thrown away by her when school started. I heard from another friend that one of our mutual friends was dumped by his girlfriend because she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but a month later he found her with a new boyfriend. My close friend was dumped by my best friend a year ago, and he just recently got over her – but then he saw something that made him upset again. There have also been a couple of deaths lately – those still count as broken hearts. They break the hearts of those who loved them, because the loss that they feel provokes a sort of emptiness in their hearts that can never be replaced.
You know, a heart is so fragile, anything can break it. It’s not just from a breakup or being rejected, or being cheated on. It might be something as simple as having your pet die, feeling like there’s no one there for you, or hearing your friend says something that you’d never thought they would say about you. That’s how easily our heart breaks, and that’s how easily we cry. And lately, my heart’s been breaking a lot. Not just from my ex-boyfriend, but from my friends as well. When I argue with them, my heart breaks over and over again; because it makes me upset that I can’t say anything right. It always feels like everything or anything I say will hurt someone, or cause someone to disagree with me. It feels as though I should just shut my mouth forever, because no one really wants to hear what I say anyways. I should just stay invisible and unheard, because it causes an argument when I speak.
When I tell my friends I feel as though my life is falling apart right now, it’s not that they don’t understand, but it’s because it’s hard for them to sympathize I guess. To them, it must seem like my life is going pretty well, and it’s a lot better than theirs. But fact is, that’s because we as human beings are so concentrated on ourselves, that we tend to think our own lives are the worst, and others can’t even begin to compare to ours. That’s the thought I always keep in mind though. That’s why I’ve learned to not complain, because there’s always someone out there with worse problems than my own. How can I bother other people with my problems and complain about them when there are children out there dying of starvation and fighting in wars at the mere ages of 5 years old? My life is nothing compared to theirs. I’m a nobody in this world.
That’s why I can only talk about my problems on this blog. Here is where I can complain without any worries, because I’m basically complaining to no one. That way, I’m not trying to compare my own life to others, because there’s no one there to listen.
You know, a heart is so fragile, anything can break it. It’s not just from a breakup or being rejected, or being cheated on. It might be something as simple as having your pet die, feeling like there’s no one there for you, or hearing your friend says something that you’d never thought they would say about you. That’s how easily our heart breaks, and that’s how easily we cry. And lately, my heart’s been breaking a lot. Not just from my ex-boyfriend, but from my friends as well. When I argue with them, my heart breaks over and over again; because it makes me upset that I can’t say anything right. It always feels like everything or anything I say will hurt someone, or cause someone to disagree with me. It feels as though I should just shut my mouth forever, because no one really wants to hear what I say anyways. I should just stay invisible and unheard, because it causes an argument when I speak.
When I tell my friends I feel as though my life is falling apart right now, it’s not that they don’t understand, but it’s because it’s hard for them to sympathize I guess. To them, it must seem like my life is going pretty well, and it’s a lot better than theirs. But fact is, that’s because we as human beings are so concentrated on ourselves, that we tend to think our own lives are the worst, and others can’t even begin to compare to ours. That’s the thought I always keep in mind though. That’s why I’ve learned to not complain, because there’s always someone out there with worse problems than my own. How can I bother other people with my problems and complain about them when there are children out there dying of starvation and fighting in wars at the mere ages of 5 years old? My life is nothing compared to theirs. I’m a nobody in this world.
That’s why I can only talk about my problems on this blog. Here is where I can complain without any worries, because I’m basically complaining to no one. That way, I’m not trying to compare my own life to others, because there’s no one there to listen.
Friday, October 23, 2009
happiness.
Happiness. That’s a hard word to describe. I once read this My Life is Average post where when this little boy was asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, he replied “Happy.” Now obviously from this, this kid understands happiness way better than I do. He knows what being happy is like, and he wants to be able to stay that way for the rest of his life. I think that everyone is guaranteed to their own pursuit of happiness – that’s what being selfish is about. You’re allowed to want to be happy, and you’re allowed to try to be as happy as you possibly can. Because if all you think about is other people’s happiness, how happy can you be? You’re not keeping your own desire in sight, and if you’re not thinking about your own happiness, then it obviously, isn’t going to happen. And if you can’t find your own happiness, then… how’re you going to survive in this world?
People survive in the present world today by being selfish and greedy, and a lot of the times, not caring one fuck about others. They only see their own desires, their own ambitions, and their own happiness. Sometimes, this is the right thing to do, because otherwise, they’d be hurt beyond repair. You have to be happy or try to be happy, and believe that everything’s going to be okay in the end, because otherwise, you wouldn’t survive. You’d just be disappointed over and over again, pushed down over and over again, and broken over and over again. And one day, your human mind and body won’t be able to take it anymore. Because after all, our human bodies and minds aren’t as strong as we think they are. We may be the smartest, but that doesn’t mean our minds and bodies are strong.
But then again, sometimes it might not be the right thing to do. If you only think about your own happiness, how many people are you going to hurt? If you really, seriously think that, other people actually care about your own happiness more than their own; well you’re going to be wrong most of the time. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to have such an overpopulated and strong human population, because we would’ve died out already since we were too busy concentrating on other people’s survival rather than our own. If you hurt other people while you’re trying to make yourself happy, I want to say to you, you better be looking back on that. Because you NEED other people to survive, and by sacrificing everyone around you for your own happiness, you’re just pushing them away. And in the end, you’re going to end up alone. Things aren’t going to go your way at all if all you know how to do, is hurt others and strive for your own happiness. Your happiness isn’t as important as the general happiness of you and everyone around you.
It might seem like the two past paragraphs that I just wrote, are contradicting and I’m completely being a hypocrite, or whatever. But reality is, they’re both true, and we need to think about both in order to survive and be happy. You have to think about your own happiness as your first and main priority, but then again, there IS such thing as other priorities. That’s why there’s a plural word for “priority”. And those priorities are other people’s happiness. Because you need friends, and you need people to care about you, love you, and make you the happiest you can be. Don’t depend on others for your own happiness, but then again, don’t be completely dependent on yourself for your own happiness.
People survive in the present world today by being selfish and greedy, and a lot of the times, not caring one fuck about others. They only see their own desires, their own ambitions, and their own happiness. Sometimes, this is the right thing to do, because otherwise, they’d be hurt beyond repair. You have to be happy or try to be happy, and believe that everything’s going to be okay in the end, because otherwise, you wouldn’t survive. You’d just be disappointed over and over again, pushed down over and over again, and broken over and over again. And one day, your human mind and body won’t be able to take it anymore. Because after all, our human bodies and minds aren’t as strong as we think they are. We may be the smartest, but that doesn’t mean our minds and bodies are strong.
But then again, sometimes it might not be the right thing to do. If you only think about your own happiness, how many people are you going to hurt? If you really, seriously think that, other people actually care about your own happiness more than their own; well you’re going to be wrong most of the time. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to have such an overpopulated and strong human population, because we would’ve died out already since we were too busy concentrating on other people’s survival rather than our own. If you hurt other people while you’re trying to make yourself happy, I want to say to you, you better be looking back on that. Because you NEED other people to survive, and by sacrificing everyone around you for your own happiness, you’re just pushing them away. And in the end, you’re going to end up alone. Things aren’t going to go your way at all if all you know how to do, is hurt others and strive for your own happiness. Your happiness isn’t as important as the general happiness of you and everyone around you.
It might seem like the two past paragraphs that I just wrote, are contradicting and I’m completely being a hypocrite, or whatever. But reality is, they’re both true, and we need to think about both in order to survive and be happy. You have to think about your own happiness as your first and main priority, but then again, there IS such thing as other priorities. That’s why there’s a plural word for “priority”. And those priorities are other people’s happiness. Because you need friends, and you need people to care about you, love you, and make you the happiest you can be. Don’t depend on others for your own happiness, but then again, don’t be completely dependent on yourself for your own happiness.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
you make me think about everything.
You make me think about everything. About myself, the past, the present, the future, you, and all the reasons for everything that’s happened.
I think about the past, because that’s all I can think about most of the time. I can’t help but reminisce about our memories, and all the fun we had together. I won’t go into details because it won’t make me happy, but we had a lot of good memories, as well as bad ones.
I think about the present, because I can’t help but be jealous of you and the girl you have now, and how she’s the one that’s always on your mind now, the one that you dedicate songs to, the one that you make your first priority, and the one that you’re slowly falling in love with. Right now, my present and my life are slowly falling apart. My present is something that I wish I could fast forward all at once, because I can’t help but cry every night and think every day. That’s all my present consists of right now and I hope I can get through it as fast as I can.
I think about the future, because I wonder how I’m going to get through this, because it seems as though I’m never going to get through it. It feels as though this depression and sorrow is never going to end, because as of right now, that’s all I know how to feel, and that’s what I return to. I wonder what the future is going to be like, and how things are going to be between us. Are we going to be best friends? Or just acquaintances? Or enemies? How are things going to work out between us?
I think about the reasons for everything that’s happened, because I keep wondering, where did I go wrong to push you away and make you leave me? Where did I mess up? I go through all our memories and everything that I said to you, because I’m searching for that one mistake I made, that one mistake that became the reason for you to break up with me. I wonder, why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why were you looking for something else that you found in someone else in the end? It really hurts, knowing that I wasn’t good enough for you in the end.
I think about the past, because that’s all I can think about most of the time. I can’t help but reminisce about our memories, and all the fun we had together. I won’t go into details because it won’t make me happy, but we had a lot of good memories, as well as bad ones.
I think about the present, because I can’t help but be jealous of you and the girl you have now, and how she’s the one that’s always on your mind now, the one that you dedicate songs to, the one that you make your first priority, and the one that you’re slowly falling in love with. Right now, my present and my life are slowly falling apart. My present is something that I wish I could fast forward all at once, because I can’t help but cry every night and think every day. That’s all my present consists of right now and I hope I can get through it as fast as I can.
I think about the future, because I wonder how I’m going to get through this, because it seems as though I’m never going to get through it. It feels as though this depression and sorrow is never going to end, because as of right now, that’s all I know how to feel, and that’s what I return to. I wonder what the future is going to be like, and how things are going to be between us. Are we going to be best friends? Or just acquaintances? Or enemies? How are things going to work out between us?
I think about the reasons for everything that’s happened, because I keep wondering, where did I go wrong to push you away and make you leave me? Where did I mess up? I go through all our memories and everything that I said to you, because I’m searching for that one mistake I made, that one mistake that became the reason for you to break up with me. I wonder, why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why were you looking for something else that you found in someone else in the end? It really hurts, knowing that I wasn’t good enough for you in the end.
if you really knew.
If you really knew.
If you really knew just how hurt I was by this, you’d be so broken and hurt that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
You’ve got me crying every night, no matter what. It’s as if I can’t pull myself away from these thoughts of the past, and these thoughts of how your life must be without me. As I’m typing this right now, I’m already crying. Every night, there’s always a stray thought that makes its way into my present mind, and then it leads to other thoughts of the past, and all our memories together.
You’ve got me crying in my sleep, and I don’t even remember what I dreamt about. Every morning when I wake up, there are tear tracks and crusts around my eyes, and sometimes, my eyes are even swollen. But I sleep late most of the time anyways, because I’m too caught up in trying to distract myself from you.
You’ve got me thinking about the past and how much I miss you every single second that my mind isn’t occupied with something else. This includes when I have no classes or friends around, when I’m on the bus on my way to class, when I’m awake at night trying to distract myself from you. Thoughts of you enter my mind like they’re moths drawn to a flame.
You’ve got me feeling incomplete. You know that phrase, “You complete me”?? Well, that’s what you did for me. You completed me, no matter if we were arguing, having fun, just lying on your or my bed, dancing together, or just talking. I feel as though, I’m missing part of me, like I’m swimming in an ocean of my life, searching for that lighthouse that will guide me to you.
You’ve got me hoping. Every day, I pray, I wish, I HOPE that you’ll come back to me, that you’ll change your mind, and we can be together again. Every day, I’m waiting for your text message, phone call, IM, saying that you changed your mind. This hope… is what’s killing me slowly from the inside. This last thread of hope stops me from living my life to the fullest, and yet, I don’t want it to disappear. Because once it disappears, I’ve lost you completely.
If only you knew how much this hurts me. Just how shattered my heart is, and just how broken I am. If only you knew just how long it is going to take me to get over you. I keep telling you and everyone else around me that I’m getting over you. But truth is; it’s barely happening. I’m just trying to convince you, everyone else, and especially myself that I’m getting over you.
If you really knew just how hurt I was by this, you’d be so broken and hurt that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
You’ve got me crying every night, no matter what. It’s as if I can’t pull myself away from these thoughts of the past, and these thoughts of how your life must be without me. As I’m typing this right now, I’m already crying. Every night, there’s always a stray thought that makes its way into my present mind, and then it leads to other thoughts of the past, and all our memories together.
You’ve got me crying in my sleep, and I don’t even remember what I dreamt about. Every morning when I wake up, there are tear tracks and crusts around my eyes, and sometimes, my eyes are even swollen. But I sleep late most of the time anyways, because I’m too caught up in trying to distract myself from you.
You’ve got me thinking about the past and how much I miss you every single second that my mind isn’t occupied with something else. This includes when I have no classes or friends around, when I’m on the bus on my way to class, when I’m awake at night trying to distract myself from you. Thoughts of you enter my mind like they’re moths drawn to a flame.
You’ve got me feeling incomplete. You know that phrase, “You complete me”?? Well, that’s what you did for me. You completed me, no matter if we were arguing, having fun, just lying on your or my bed, dancing together, or just talking. I feel as though, I’m missing part of me, like I’m swimming in an ocean of my life, searching for that lighthouse that will guide me to you.
You’ve got me hoping. Every day, I pray, I wish, I HOPE that you’ll come back to me, that you’ll change your mind, and we can be together again. Every day, I’m waiting for your text message, phone call, IM, saying that you changed your mind. This hope… is what’s killing me slowly from the inside. This last thread of hope stops me from living my life to the fullest, and yet, I don’t want it to disappear. Because once it disappears, I’ve lost you completely.
If only you knew how much this hurts me. Just how shattered my heart is, and just how broken I am. If only you knew just how long it is going to take me to get over you. I keep telling you and everyone else around me that I’m getting over you. But truth is; it’s barely happening. I’m just trying to convince you, everyone else, and especially myself that I’m getting over you.
i'm sorry.
It’s hard to keep a promise that’s stopping you from doing the only thing that can keep you from breaking down at times. So I’m sorry Gian, but I didn’t keep my promise. It’s too hard. Do you know why? You probably can’t understand. You lost control, and punched a wall because your parents were too much. They were being too unfair, too selfish, too unreasonable. Then what about me? Dealing with this breakup, is too much. I can’t keep this control anymore. I’m dying here right now. I’m living half my life right now. I’m always missing something. I’m never complete. I’m going through my life always thinking about something, always feeling empty. It’s horrible. I can’t keep this promise, because when I see you two together or think about you two, it’s too much to handle.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get over you. Months? Years? I really hope not. It’s too painful, and I wouldn’t be able to live my life the way I want to. You have no idea how badly I want to get over you. It’s so painful and hurtful to feel and think this way every fucking day. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m trying so hard to let go, but it’s like every time I take a step forward to forget you, something pushes me two steps back. I don’t want to live my life like this. I know, I understand that I need to get over you. But something’s stopping me from agreeing completely with my mind and logic, and I still feel the pain and hurt from the breakup and thinking and missing you.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get over you. Months? Years? I really hope not. It’s too painful, and I wouldn’t be able to live my life the way I want to. You have no idea how badly I want to get over you. It’s so painful and hurtful to feel and think this way every fucking day. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m trying so hard to let go, but it’s like every time I take a step forward to forget you, something pushes me two steps back. I don’t want to live my life like this. I know, I understand that I need to get over you. But something’s stopping me from agreeing completely with my mind and logic, and I still feel the pain and hurt from the breakup and thinking and missing you.
lesson learned.
It’s amazing you know. I forgot how to live without you. I got so used to you being more than half of the daily things in my life, that I forgot how to live without those things. It’s like I’m always missing something, I’m never complete. I’m only living half my life right now. Every morning, I wake up thinking it was all a dream, and every day, there is not one minute when I wish it was a dream. I wish I had gotten a second chance to make things right. There wasn’t one minute during those 10 months, that I didn’t thank God I had you. I really loved you.
I really wish I didn’t fall this hard. I really wish I didn’t love this much. I really wish, I didn’t give all of myself away to you. Because now, I’m missing so much of you, because you still have everything of me. Even though you have her now, you’re still keeping all of me locked up somewhere, so that I can’t move on. Stupidly, naively, innocently, I really thought we could last forever. I really thought we could make this work, because it seemed like what we had, really was love. But I guess it wasn’t. I guess that love was only mine, and never yours. You were looking for something else, someone else.
Every time, every minute, every second, I’m always thinking about a memory. Something that happened with us. You know how painful that is? It’s the worst, remembering something, yet knowing that something like that will never happen ever again. I miss your smell, I miss your hugs, I miss your kisses, I miss you calling me “Baby”, I miss going over and having you cook for me, I miss lying on your bed with you just talking, I miss sneaking over to your house at night, I miss wearing your clothes, I miss talking to you late at night, I miss feeling your lips and touching your face, I miss your comfort, I miss everything that happened with us and most of all, I miss all of you.
I wish I could still catch your attention. I wish I was still the one that you thought about most of the time. I wish that we were still together. Do you know how painful this is? I know your breakup with Emily was probably the first painful breakup for you, so I don’t think you understand how I feel right now. Do you know why? Because you didn’t have as many memories with Emily, and as much time to fall in love with her as deep as I have fallen in love with you. I don’t think you understand just how much pain I’m going through right now. How much I’m thinking of you, how much it hurts to think about you and her, and just how hard it is to let go.
Crying every night is the worst.
Wishing every day for the impossible is the worst.
Thinking about you is the worst.
Missing you is the worst.
Dealing with all this shit after the breakup is the worst.
In the end, lesson learned. Never, ever, fall in love so much that you completely lose yourself and give all of yourself away. Because the pain of the losing that person because they didn’t give you all of them, is just too much and too painful to ever have to feel again.
I really wish I didn’t fall this hard. I really wish I didn’t love this much. I really wish, I didn’t give all of myself away to you. Because now, I’m missing so much of you, because you still have everything of me. Even though you have her now, you’re still keeping all of me locked up somewhere, so that I can’t move on. Stupidly, naively, innocently, I really thought we could last forever. I really thought we could make this work, because it seemed like what we had, really was love. But I guess it wasn’t. I guess that love was only mine, and never yours. You were looking for something else, someone else.
Every time, every minute, every second, I’m always thinking about a memory. Something that happened with us. You know how painful that is? It’s the worst, remembering something, yet knowing that something like that will never happen ever again. I miss your smell, I miss your hugs, I miss your kisses, I miss you calling me “Baby”, I miss going over and having you cook for me, I miss lying on your bed with you just talking, I miss sneaking over to your house at night, I miss wearing your clothes, I miss talking to you late at night, I miss feeling your lips and touching your face, I miss your comfort, I miss everything that happened with us and most of all, I miss all of you.
I wish I could still catch your attention. I wish I was still the one that you thought about most of the time. I wish that we were still together. Do you know how painful this is? I know your breakup with Emily was probably the first painful breakup for you, so I don’t think you understand how I feel right now. Do you know why? Because you didn’t have as many memories with Emily, and as much time to fall in love with her as deep as I have fallen in love with you. I don’t think you understand just how much pain I’m going through right now. How much I’m thinking of you, how much it hurts to think about you and her, and just how hard it is to let go.
Crying every night is the worst.
Wishing every day for the impossible is the worst.
Thinking about you is the worst.
Missing you is the worst.
Dealing with all this shit after the breakup is the worst.
In the end, lesson learned. Never, ever, fall in love so much that you completely lose yourself and give all of yourself away. Because the pain of the losing that person because they didn’t give you all of them, is just too much and too painful to ever have to feel again.
Dear Gian...
Dear Gian,
Haha, I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I guess, I just feel like these are things I need to say to you, but I can’t say it in person because things are going to get mixed up and we’ll probably just end up fighting or something. First of all, I want you to know, I’m trying my hardest to move on, in the right way of course haha, not just randomly going through guys and hooking up with them or anything. But I just wanted you to know that I realized that we’d never be together again after you broke up with me the second time, or when you told me you were going to go with Alexis. But like anyways, I just really wanted to say sorry. Sorry for everything that happened. Well, I’m not talking about the good memories and stuff, because I have to say, we had a pretty good relationship. Or at least, I thought so. We had a lot of good times and thanks for that, because there’s a lot of good moments to look back on :] But, I’m really sorry for all the problems, fights, crying and everything that we went through.
After we broke up, I got a lot of free time haha. And like, during that free time, I just kept thinking about our relationship and why we ended up breaking up like this. I mean, who wouldn’t think about that?? Did I ever tell you that I never believed in love?? I probably didn’t, not something to tell your boyfriend when you were in a relationship with him haha. But yeah, I’ve never believed in love. But after all that, I can honestly say, I think I really did love you, because otherwise, why would it be this hard to get over you?? But don’t worry haha, I’m getting over you, no matter what. Because that’s the only way both of us are going to be happy you know?? But back to the point, I kept thinking about our breakup, and I really, honestly, think, that I indirectly caused the breakup. I realized that throughout our relationship, a lot of it was focused around me, and making me happy. Like, whenever I had a problem with you, we always ended up talking about it, whether it was me being jealous, or not liking something you said, etc. But then, whenever you had a problem with me, we barely brought it up, or talked about it. It never came up, and you always said you didn’t have a problem with me doing something wrong or whatever, but like, still. That’s not right. I should’ve been better. And like, I always complained, had a problem, or got pissed off for no apparent reason. I had stupid mood swings. It was completely, ABSOLUTELY, unfair to you. Most of the problems that we had were because of me and my stupid mood swings or whatever I was complaining about. And I’m, really, really, sorry for that. I really hope you enjoyed our relationship as much as I did, even though there were problems. And I know right now, you’re probably shaking your head no, and getting pissed off because of what I’m saying, because you never believed in me blaming myself, and you hated how much I did it. But I can honestly say, I think I have the right to blame myself right now. And I’m really sorry for causing our breakup, I brought so many problems to you, and it was an unhealthy relationship I guess.
Don’t believe that I didn’t enjoy it, I really did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been so in love with you. But, that’s inexcusable for how I treated you. I don’t think I appreciated you as much as I should have. It’s really true when they say, “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” But you were an amazing and amazingly caring and understanding boyfriend, and I really hope your future girlfriends end up getting what I got, because it was absolutely heaven sent. And I made so many mistakes, and I regret taking our relationship the way I did, and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. But it’s obvious I can’t. And believe me, when I say I’m moving on. I am, in the process of it. Of course I’m not completely moved on because it’s been a month, and it’s hard for me to get over a 10-month period in one month, but, I’m getting there. So don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you back by writing this letter, but, I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened – I’m sorry for bringing you all those problems, having all those stupid mood swings, hurting myself, everything. I feel like, if I don’t get this out now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I’ll regret not telling you sorry, because to me, apologies are always necessary to say, because they could cause you to lose a friend, a loved one, or just anyone you care about. So thank you for reading this letter, and hey, I hope you always stay happy, because that was always my main priority.
- Kathie
P.S. You better not be crying while you read this letter, or right now. And you better not have punched a wall or anything or else I’ll be really mad. And don’t think I won’t know, I know you too well Gian :]
Haha, I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I guess, I just feel like these are things I need to say to you, but I can’t say it in person because things are going to get mixed up and we’ll probably just end up fighting or something. First of all, I want you to know, I’m trying my hardest to move on, in the right way of course haha, not just randomly going through guys and hooking up with them or anything. But I just wanted you to know that I realized that we’d never be together again after you broke up with me the second time, or when you told me you were going to go with Alexis. But like anyways, I just really wanted to say sorry. Sorry for everything that happened. Well, I’m not talking about the good memories and stuff, because I have to say, we had a pretty good relationship. Or at least, I thought so. We had a lot of good times and thanks for that, because there’s a lot of good moments to look back on :] But, I’m really sorry for all the problems, fights, crying and everything that we went through.
After we broke up, I got a lot of free time haha. And like, during that free time, I just kept thinking about our relationship and why we ended up breaking up like this. I mean, who wouldn’t think about that?? Did I ever tell you that I never believed in love?? I probably didn’t, not something to tell your boyfriend when you were in a relationship with him haha. But yeah, I’ve never believed in love. But after all that, I can honestly say, I think I really did love you, because otherwise, why would it be this hard to get over you?? But don’t worry haha, I’m getting over you, no matter what. Because that’s the only way both of us are going to be happy you know?? But back to the point, I kept thinking about our breakup, and I really, honestly, think, that I indirectly caused the breakup. I realized that throughout our relationship, a lot of it was focused around me, and making me happy. Like, whenever I had a problem with you, we always ended up talking about it, whether it was me being jealous, or not liking something you said, etc. But then, whenever you had a problem with me, we barely brought it up, or talked about it. It never came up, and you always said you didn’t have a problem with me doing something wrong or whatever, but like, still. That’s not right. I should’ve been better. And like, I always complained, had a problem, or got pissed off for no apparent reason. I had stupid mood swings. It was completely, ABSOLUTELY, unfair to you. Most of the problems that we had were because of me and my stupid mood swings or whatever I was complaining about. And I’m, really, really, sorry for that. I really hope you enjoyed our relationship as much as I did, even though there were problems. And I know right now, you’re probably shaking your head no, and getting pissed off because of what I’m saying, because you never believed in me blaming myself, and you hated how much I did it. But I can honestly say, I think I have the right to blame myself right now. And I’m really sorry for causing our breakup, I brought so many problems to you, and it was an unhealthy relationship I guess.
Don’t believe that I didn’t enjoy it, I really did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been so in love with you. But, that’s inexcusable for how I treated you. I don’t think I appreciated you as much as I should have. It’s really true when they say, “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” But you were an amazing and amazingly caring and understanding boyfriend, and I really hope your future girlfriends end up getting what I got, because it was absolutely heaven sent. And I made so many mistakes, and I regret taking our relationship the way I did, and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. But it’s obvious I can’t. And believe me, when I say I’m moving on. I am, in the process of it. Of course I’m not completely moved on because it’s been a month, and it’s hard for me to get over a 10-month period in one month, but, I’m getting there. So don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you back by writing this letter, but, I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened – I’m sorry for bringing you all those problems, having all those stupid mood swings, hurting myself, everything. I feel like, if I don’t get this out now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I’ll regret not telling you sorry, because to me, apologies are always necessary to say, because they could cause you to lose a friend, a loved one, or just anyone you care about. So thank you for reading this letter, and hey, I hope you always stay happy, because that was always my main priority.
- Kathie
P.S. You better not be crying while you read this letter, or right now. And you better not have punched a wall or anything or else I’ll be really mad. And don’t think I won’t know, I know you too well Gian :]
about love.
You know, after getting my heart broken by the one guy I thought I would be with forever, I really don’t know about love anymore. Like, we said that we would be together forever and ever, and he said he would love me forever and ever, but what happened to that?? The answer is, feelings change. So is this really love?? How are relationships being in love with someone, if you can fall out of love with them, and stop treating them and thinking of them as your one and only in a day or two. Yeah, I believe there are such things as liking someone and having feelings and emotions for them, because that’s what we had. But is there such thing as loving someone else like that?? What about loving someone else so deeply, you’d do anything for them. That’s really what I felt like in the relationship, I felt as though I loved him so much, I’d disappear off the face of the Earth if it would make him happier. But like, is that love, or just infatuation, an obsession with someone?? I remember discussing in my Humanities class in senior year, whether teenagers were capable of feeling love. I don’t think anyone’s capable of feeling love. I feel as though, it doesn’t exist. At least not the kind of love that we can feel for someone else. During our relationship, I said I loved him, and he said he loved me. Was that really true?? Like, once you’re in a relationship, you always say you love the other person. But then, once you guys break up, and you find another person, you say you love them. So who do you really love?? You loved one person, and then now you love someone else?? How does that make sense?? Isn’t love for someone supposed to be eternal, and you always want them to be happy?? So how can that happen?? Yeah, people have a lot of relationships, and that’s how it’s supposed to be, but like, is it really love?? I just think its infatuation. An obsession. Habitual infatuation in fact. You get so used to being with them, that you can’t imagine it any other way. But once you’re put into a situation with another person, you can become infatuated with them too. And then it happens all over again. Yes there’s the feelings, that’s the infatuation. And then there’s the lust, which is necessary to creating that physical infatuation or attraction between the two people. But I don’t think there’s love. Love is… something that we humans made up. We mistaken infatuation, lust, obsession, feelings, attraction, all the combined for love. It’s a word that we made up because we want to be able to feel that strongly for someone else, we want to seem as though we’re not doing anything wrong, and it’s not just an infatuation, not just an attraction. Love is just another word for infatuation.
Like, I still can’t figure it out at all. I’ve been thinking about it the past few days, but I can’t figure out if what we had was love or not. Do I even believe in love?? Like, it hurts a lot that in 2 or 3 weeks, he’s already forgotten about the way he treated me like a girlfriend. His feelings are completely gone I’m pretty sure. He doesn’t worry about me anymore, he doesn’t care if I’m cold or hurt or whatever, he’s dedicating his songs to her, they’re talking on the phone every night, and he goes to where she is at, because he wants to see her that much. So, how do feelings of “love” really change that fast?? How can you forget “love" in 2 to 3 weeks, when it took months to build that “love” and the feelings we had. It’s amazing how fleeting our thoughts as human beings are, how easily we change our minds about what we like and who we like. So I really believe that there is no such thing as love, or at least what we define as love. If there really is love, then, obviously we aren’t capable of feeling it. We’re not that great, not that amazing that we can become capable of feeling such strong emotions and feelings as what we think love is. Yes, we are the smartest animal species or whatever out there on Earth, but intelligence doesn’t mean we know how to feel strong emotions.
Like, I still can’t figure it out at all. I’ve been thinking about it the past few days, but I can’t figure out if what we had was love or not. Do I even believe in love?? Like, it hurts a lot that in 2 or 3 weeks, he’s already forgotten about the way he treated me like a girlfriend. His feelings are completely gone I’m pretty sure. He doesn’t worry about me anymore, he doesn’t care if I’m cold or hurt or whatever, he’s dedicating his songs to her, they’re talking on the phone every night, and he goes to where she is at, because he wants to see her that much. So, how do feelings of “love” really change that fast?? How can you forget “love" in 2 to 3 weeks, when it took months to build that “love” and the feelings we had. It’s amazing how fleeting our thoughts as human beings are, how easily we change our minds about what we like and who we like. So I really believe that there is no such thing as love, or at least what we define as love. If there really is love, then, obviously we aren’t capable of feeling it. We’re not that great, not that amazing that we can become capable of feeling such strong emotions and feelings as what we think love is. Yes, we are the smartest animal species or whatever out there on Earth, but intelligence doesn’t mean we know how to feel strong emotions.
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