i don't know what to do.

he's my ex-boyfriend. he's also my best friend and the one person who knows me best. i feel bad, guilty, dirty - i shouldn't. i'm the one who's pushing him away, and telling him to stop. however, i know i should be more assertive, direct, and a lot harsher when telling him to stop. but i can't. that's because i don't want to lose him as a best friend, i don't want to lose the one person who knows me best.

i want him to stop - i don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore, i don't think about him in that way anymore. he's my best friend AND ex-boyfriend, but that's it - nothing more. i don't WANT him that way anymore. i want him to stop. but i can't tell him direct enough because i'm scared to lose him and our relationship, and his presence when i'm down or when i have problems, or just when we're having fun. nor do i want to tell his girlfriend - that would completely ruin their relationship, and i don't want that to happen. i know how much they mean to each other, they care about each other SO much. so much, that it would be painful for them to break up because of a simple thing like this.

he's not being unfaithful to her in his feelings or emotions, just... in the physical sense i guess. and i'm refusing to have sex with him, even though, i know that was probably his goal today. i refused everything... EVERYTHING. i pushed him away, but he just kept pushing back - i kept everything light and in a joking matter, but i know if he really pushes too hard - i have to tell him straight up. and that's... what i'm scared of doing. that's what i know, will damage our friendship forever.

i'm just gonna have to keep pushing him away, gonna have to tell him no. i don't want that kind of relationship with him.