sometimes...

sometimes...

…i wish i wasn’t so unimportant and invisible. i wish that people actually remembered me when they call people up to hang out, and they actually remembered that i exist. it feels like i’m so unimportant in other people’s lives, because it seems as though everytime people decide to hang out or go somewhere, i’m always missing from their plans or list of people to call up. that’s it. i’m always missing to them. it’s amazing how insignificant i seem to other people sometimes.

…it sucks how when you always make the effort to care about other people’s problems and listen to what’s wrong with their lives, you never get anything in return. i mean, most of the times, you really shouldn’t expect anything in return for your own kindness, except the satisfaction and knowledge of knowing you did something right, but still. sometimes, it’d just be nice if some of the friends i have will actually listen to my problems, and at least attempt to cheer me up or give me advice. no matter if it’s crappy advice or whatever, at least it’s something. like, i really don’t know. i just wish sometimes, the people that i really want to listen and care about me, actually do listen and care.

…i wish i wasn’t so selfish, unreasonable, and stupid. that’s what it all comes down to in the end. i’m most likely, probably, just being selfish, unreasonable, and stupid about everything i just complained about. the first one, i shouldn’t be so selfish and self-centered. maybe, i really am not that important in other people’s eyes. i have to accept that, because i’m not the only person on this planet you know? there’s people out there with worse problems, and the least of THEIR troubles is being important in other people’s eyes. they’re out there trying to survive, and here i am, complaining about stupid shit like this. the second one… i’m really just being selfish, unreasonable, and stupid because why should i expect anything in return? you do kindness out of the goodness in your heart, and if that means other people won’t give you anything in return, then deal with it. not everyone’s going to be there to listen to your problems and care about your life. that’s how life works, and shit fucking happens.

i really don’t know. i don’t know how to look at myself sometimes. i see myself as a horrible, selfish, unreasonable, stupid, self-centered person most of the times. i can’t help it. i just don’t think anything i do or think is good. hah.

sometimes… i wish life was a lot simpler. and it wasn’t this hard to get through sometimes. i mean, life has gotten a lot better in the past several months, especially after the breakup, but like… sometimes… i just wish, it was going a lot better, and i can get better at picking myself up.

i need to learn how to live by myself, and not rely on others, because frankly, that’s a stupid thought. that other people will always be there for you, to be your happiness, and to be your comfort and joy. i have to learn to be more independent, and more in control of my own life and happiness.