you.

You know, there are a lot of times when I want to talk to you guys about something, but I hesitate, and then I end up completely backing out of it. I’m so scared to ask you guys for advice anymore, because every time I go to you with a problem, it seems as though you don’t want to listen to it, or you’re tired of hearing me rant. I guess in that sense, it is my fault, because I rant a lot sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, and I’ll keep going. But right now, I really want to talk to you guys because I need someone to be there for me, especially when I’m feeling this low. I feel as though… I’m a bother, an inconvenience, a problem, an annoyance, and everything along those lines.

You tell me all the time, that I know who to listen to, and I know who and what I am, and that I’m stressing about every single thing. You tell me all the time that I’m worrying about the stupidest things, and I stress myself out over everything. But seriously, you have no idea how bad it is right now. Right now, I feel so goddamn low about myself. I feel as though I’m the lowest, stupidest, worst person in the world. Hearing all the comments about me, and I know what people think about me – that I’m just some stupid, ditzy, clueless airhead, it’s really pushing me. I’m starting to think that I’m really that stupid, and it’s getting really hard to pick myself up every single time. Like I keep saying, it’s getting a lot harder to feel good about myself. I really don’t know how to look at myself sometimes anymore. I can’t see anything other than this horrible, selfish, self-centered, unreasonable, stupid person inside and outside of me. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with all of this.

You really don’t know how hard life is for me right now. Sure I’m not cutting or anything, but that’s because I don’t want to stoop down to that level anymore. I know I’m stronger than that. I know I learned a lot, and I know I’m better than that, at least by a little. But how much better am I now? I’m still pathetic, and weak as hell, because I’m so close to breaking down completely. I’m trying to keep my head up, and I’m trying to always have a good face on. I know its working because nobody’s asked or hinted at anything, so I’m good for now. But how much longer can I hold on?