lesson learned.

It’s amazing you know. I forgot how to live without you. I got so used to you being more than half of the daily things in my life, that I forgot how to live without those things. It’s like I’m always missing something, I’m never complete. I’m only living half my life right now. Every morning, I wake up thinking it was all a dream, and every day, there is not one minute when I wish it was a dream. I wish I had gotten a second chance to make things right. There wasn’t one minute during those 10 months, that I didn’t thank God I had you. I really loved you.

I really wish I didn’t fall this hard. I really wish I didn’t love this much. I really wish, I didn’t give all of myself away to you. Because now, I’m missing so much of you, because you still have everything of me. Even though you have her now, you’re still keeping all of me locked up somewhere, so that I can’t move on. Stupidly, naively, innocently, I really thought we could last forever. I really thought we could make this work, because it seemed like what we had, really was love. But I guess it wasn’t. I guess that love was only mine, and never yours. You were looking for something else, someone else.

Every time, every minute, every second, I’m always thinking about a memory. Something that happened with us. You know how painful that is? It’s the worst, remembering something, yet knowing that something like that will never happen ever again. I miss your smell, I miss your hugs, I miss your kisses, I miss you calling me “Baby”, I miss going over and having you cook for me, I miss lying on your bed with you just talking, I miss sneaking over to your house at night, I miss wearing your clothes, I miss talking to you late at night, I miss feeling your lips and touching your face, I miss your comfort, I miss everything that happened with us and most of all, I miss all of you.

I wish I could still catch your attention. I wish I was still the one that you thought about most of the time. I wish that we were still together. Do you know how painful this is? I know your breakup with Emily was probably the first painful breakup for you, so I don’t think you understand how I feel right now. Do you know why? Because you didn’t have as many memories with Emily, and as much time to fall in love with her as deep as I have fallen in love with you. I don’t think you understand just how much pain I’m going through right now. How much I’m thinking of you, how much it hurts to think about you and her, and just how hard it is to let go.

Crying every night is the worst.

Wishing every day for the impossible is the worst.

Thinking about you is the worst.

Missing you is the worst.

Dealing with all this shit after the breakup is the worst.

In the end, lesson learned. Never, ever, fall in love so much that you completely lose yourself and give all of yourself away. Because the pain of the losing that person because they didn’t give you all of them, is just too much and too painful to ever have to feel again.