if you really knew.

If you really knew.

If you really knew just how hurt I was by this, you’d be so broken and hurt that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

You’ve got me crying every night, no matter what. It’s as if I can’t pull myself away from these thoughts of the past, and these thoughts of how your life must be without me. As I’m typing this right now, I’m already crying. Every night, there’s always a stray thought that makes its way into my present mind, and then it leads to other thoughts of the past, and all our memories together.

You’ve got me crying in my sleep, and I don’t even remember what I dreamt about. Every morning when I wake up, there are tear tracks and crusts around my eyes, and sometimes, my eyes are even swollen. But I sleep late most of the time anyways, because I’m too caught up in trying to distract myself from you.

You’ve got me thinking about the past and how much I miss you every single second that my mind isn’t occupied with something else. This includes when I have no classes or friends around, when I’m on the bus on my way to class, when I’m awake at night trying to distract myself from you. Thoughts of you enter my mind like they’re moths drawn to a flame.

You’ve got me feeling incomplete. You know that phrase, “You complete me”?? Well, that’s what you did for me. You completed me, no matter if we were arguing, having fun, just lying on your or my bed, dancing together, or just talking. I feel as though, I’m missing part of me, like I’m swimming in an ocean of my life, searching for that lighthouse that will guide me to you.

You’ve got me hoping. Every day, I pray, I wish, I HOPE that you’ll come back to me, that you’ll change your mind, and we can be together again. Every day, I’m waiting for your text message, phone call, IM, saying that you changed your mind. This hope… is what’s killing me slowly from the inside. This last thread of hope stops me from living my life to the fullest, and yet, I don’t want it to disappear. Because once it disappears, I’ve lost you completely.

If only you knew how much this hurts me. Just how shattered my heart is, and just how broken I am. If only you knew just how long it is going to take me to get over you. I keep telling you and everyone else around me that I’m getting over you. But truth is; it’s barely happening. I’m just trying to convince you, everyone else, and especially myself that I’m getting over you.